Everything I’m about to say, I am more than capable of saying it to the person, but when I stopped and thought about it, I realized there would be no point. It wouldn’t matter to them because I no longer matter.
I feel regret for not just cutting you off completely after you fucked me over. Because now, I, AGAIN, look like the fool. You fucked me and my friendship over and I still tried to mend it, even though I had every right to say “fuck you and fuck this.”
I hung out with you and kept my animosity towards you silent for the sake of our mutual friends, I kept my mouth shut when you would be drunk and say shit to me that was insensitive and, if you were sober, knew would strike a nerve. I even bought you things, and treated you like you were still a good friend of mine. But for what? For you to basically get comfortable again, like nothing you did to me ever happened?
My biggest mistake, might have been not cutting you off, but since I can’t change what’s already done- I believe me biggest mistake was allowing you to get comfortable again. In the beginning, you were so apologetic, so careful with the things you said and your actions, and you knew you were gonna be waking on eggshells. But you showed me you were willing to for the sake of our friendship, and always told me you wanted to prove to me that you could be a good friend again and would try to make up for what you did- that you were sorry and would do anything to prove that. But now, you walk around acting like none of it ever happened and like nothing was ever said after the fact. You stopped trying, treat me like I’m nonexistent, and basically stopped being a friend all-together. We never had to be best friends again, and we both agreed it would never be the same again, but I was convinced that a friendship, though it would always be delicate, was still possible.
So now I’m left here convinced that all of it was just said out of guilt and was temporary. For that moment, for those brief months you genuinely DID feel bad, and now, for some reason, you don’t. I don’t know if it’s just me and how I am, but if I did to you, what you did to me, and I honestly did want to make things right and save what I destroyed, I would NEVER stop trying. I wouldn’t grovel at your feet and I don’t expect anyone to do so for me, but I would make sure you always knew that I never forgot what I did, that I will always be sorry, and that I’ll never stop trying to make things right.
So honestly if you’re going to be like that and act like that, I’m over it, too. Because I don’t need artificial friendships. I DIDNT need a friend that would stab me in the back so deeply before, and I definitely don’t need one who doesn’t even feel bad for doing so, now. I need people who keep their word and have some dignity. People who don’t just talk about it, but be about it.
I don’t know, I guess that’s a fault in my character- to think that everyone thinks the same as me and has the same kind of heart. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to think optimistically about those who claim to love you, but it does tend to bite me in the ass more often than not.
Tim Burton Inspired Pokemon Drawing by Vaughn Pinpin (More Images)
Separation by W.S. Merwin (via wordsthat-speak)
Amazing how people can hurt you & then deny that they’ve hurt you.. Like motherfucker YOU HURT ME . And that’s just to put it into 3 words.